New from the makers of Foaming Hand Soap…

Broken-in sneakers! The tongues are frayed, the soles are worn smooth, the laces are about to snap, several eyelets are missing. Why enjoy something functional, when you can have the same product with its best features conveniently removed?

The mesh umbrella! Made with a patented fabric, Leakcyline, this umbrella is guaranteed to be popular because it’s not like the umbrellas we’ve been using for so long with their utility and simplicity. It’s different, therefore better! Once it catches on, it’ll be everywhere, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Tepid-Ice, with Warmydol(™) . Tired of reaching for ice cubes and getting the shivers? Does the thought of those frigid surfaces on your skin repel you? Introducing Tepid-Ice — all the benefits of traditional ice* without the unpleasant side effects such as goosebumps, toothaches, and unsightly cooling vapors. (*Does not have the benefits of traditional ice.)

And finally, ShamPour — the world’s first one-step shampoo! Lather, rinse, repeat? What next, build a ship in a bottle? Who has the time? With Shampour, you don’t need time. In fact, you don’t need anything. Just pop the convenient flip-top, and add 7 to 10 pea-sized dabs straight into the drain. That’s it, you’re done! No instruction pamphlet needed, thank you very much.

For more products that start how they used to be when they were worn out, used up, and utterly useless, call Rowboat Industries at Klondike-5, 922. Ask for Ethel. She quit last week.